today i was reminded of the second worst day of my entire life, the day we said goodbye to my mum. Only seconded because the day i got told she had passed was actually so awful, that even remembering it makes me numb. Nine years old and i was pretty sure my world had or would very soon, come to an end.
thinking back to that day, it was like someone had turned out all the lights, and every minuet that morning felt like an entire life time. Preparing to see my beautiful mother for the very last time was something so emotional, such a feeling that i’d never expeirenced before. And then there i were, walking into a small room, down that isle that held a wooden box.
And in that box was placed an angel, so beautiful, so peaceful, so cold, so gone. And all of a sudden, like a wave, crashing over me, it was real. There would no longer be a her, a us, a we, she was gone forever, she had left me. That wonderful beautiful person, who saved my life when i was just two years old. That beautiful person who was the absolute center of my universe, I couldn’t love anyone the way I loved her.
Looking down at her, she looked so beautiful and so much at peace. the truth is, until that moment, being so young and nieve and not wanting to deal with my greif, id convinced myself that id see her, give her a shake and she would open her eyes and everything would be right with the world again… But being there, looking at her, I knew id been being silly.
I was just so angry that she had been taken away from me, and i wanted nothing more than to cease existance so i wouldn’t have to be without her.
So we got to the church and it was really over whelming to see the amount of people that had come to say goodbye to her, all the seats where taken and they’re were still people standing at the back, so im told, i was so numb i barely noticed what was going on around. Sat at the front of the church, not far away from the coffin and all that was going through my head was ‘how can this be real?’ I just remember being so sad, she was the only person in my life that had given me a home and a family, made me feel like id belonged somewhere, and now all of a sudden i had to go the rest of my life without her.
And then we were at skipton, for the final goodbye, pretty soon there wouldn’t be a Donna Emmott, She would no longer exsist and all that would be left would be a pile of ashes. I was trapped inside my sorrow, I could barely focus on anything around me.. I just remember the chorus ‘I had a girl and Donna was her name, since she left me, its never been the same’ playing as the red certains closed, and that was it, she was offically gone.
And now, Just over ten years since that day, Im reminded of all the memories, all the feelings, all the pain, that i fight so hard to block out everyday. I still struggle with the fact that we lost her, i block out my pain because when i let it in, it overcomes me and I just can’t cope. Theres not a single day that goes by where i don’t think of her, imagine her up there, wondering what she would think about how we’ve all turned out and just hope that even though my past has been dark, and at times ive really struggled, that shes proud of me now.
I still miss her, every single day, and I will miss her, and love her, just as much now as i did ten years ago, every single day for the rest of my life, untill its my time to leave and go and join her in the sky.